Uncharted Waters Part 5: Pilot at the Helm|A Mother’s Journey from Death to Life #PregnancyandInfantLossAwareness

AVOIDING THE INEVITABLE

In the weeks following the second opinion, I found comfort in leftover Halloween candy and ice cream.

When Billy returned each day from work, he found me sulking and watching TV sitcoms with a bowlful of Cherry Garcia in one hand and a "Funsize" candy bar in the other.

He sat next to me on the couch. "Do you think you should be eating so much candy while pregnant? You might get gestational diabetes again."

"What difference does it make?" I took a huge bite of a Mounds candy bar, my favorite. "I don't care anymore."

"God will heal our baby." He grinned reassuringly.

"But what if he doesn't?" I retorted.

At that, he found a reason to exit the room, leaving me to finish my carb overload, which I used to dull the terrifying grief that overwhelmed me.

TRIP TO GRACEVILLE

For the week of Thanksgiving, we visited my brother and sister-in-law, John and Krista and their children. They lived in Graceville, a small town in the panhandle of Florida. The biggest store in the area was a Piggly Wiggly.

 

Krista and I stopped at a small Christian bookstore nearby. Precious Moments figurines decked the aisles and there were tons of books to choose from.

On the clearance rack, I felt drawn to a book with a pale pink rose on the cover called Misty: A Mother’s Journey Through Sorrow to Healing, by Carole Gift Page. I read the back cover and quickly shoved it on the shelf.

Carole was a mother, like me, who found out her baby was going to die when she was born. I shelved the book because I knew it would be too painful to read. At the same time, I needed to read it. However much I didn’t want to face what was going to happen, I needed to be prepared. The Lord had must have led me to the book to help me.

I took a deep breath, picked up the book, and bought it.

Next, we visited a Ross store and I couldn't find a single Christmas gift. But I did spot an irresistibly charming leather journal with an oak leaf impression on the front. The blank pages begged to be filled. And I needed to pour out my heart and make sense of the current story of my life, so I bought that for myself, too.

FACING GRIEF

When we made it back home, I sat on my cozy recliner chair and opened Misty.

As I read, a wave of grief swept over me. Tears splashed on the pages. Carole Gift Page wrote about each step of her grief. She had a mother who stayed with her for several weeks, helping and comforting her. It hit me hard that my mother was not here with me.

After breaking the news to my mom that my baby had bilateral renal agenesis, she was heartbroken, but couldn’t come visit me. She suffers from agoraphobia, a condition that results in anxiety attacks, especially when she is in unfamiliar places. So, despite living only an hour away, it wasn’t possible for her to be with me in my grief.

With Billy only believing our child would be healed and my mother unable to be with me, I felt so alone. I cried myself to sleep at nights, dreading the day I would give birth.

I wished someone would rescue me from my circumstances and make everything okay. I just couldn't handle the hard, painful truth that my baby was going to die.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18).

Part 1 is found here.

Part 6 is available here.