Because of Love: Montage of a Short Life

"Why keep a baby that you know is going to die?"

My children's former pediatrician posed this question. She didn't wait for my answer. She looked down at the clipboard and flipped through the documents which held my children's medical history.

This was after the pediatrician informed with me that her sister had chosen to abort her child with Potter's Syndrome--the same abnormality that my infant son, Luke, died from in 2003.

"I'm sure your sister is still sad," I told her. I would be. I still was.

She paused, looked up at me, furrowed her brow and wrote something down on her clipboard.

"Some of your children are not fully up-to-date on their immunizations," she said, changing the subject.

When I left the doctor's office, my head was spinning. Luke lived. I held him for eight hours and then he fell asleep peacefully in my arms before he stopped breathing all together. Those were precious moments that I would never take back. Not for anything.

Why keep a baby that you know is going to die?

Because...

Because we loved him.


Missing you, sweet little Luke. Happy 10th heavenly birthday.


Until we meet again,

Mommy

Thanksgiving Grace: How I Discovered My Writer's Voice

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:The_Secret_Garden_book_cover_-_Project_Gutenberg_eText_17396.jpg

Dear Reader,

Now that NaNoWriMo is over, or at least my own version of it, did I write that great American novel?

Not yet.

But, I did write. And, I've learned a valuable lesson from the experience that will impact the quality of my writing from here on out.

For starters, it was bothering me that my writing was missing something. Something that would make it, well, readable.

It's kind of like when I learned to play violin. For the longest time, I couldn't read music and play at the same time. I just couldn't do it. I found a way around my problem by writing out the letter of each note on the sheet music. It worked, but it slowed me down and interrupted the flow of my music.

I remember clearly now, the first day that I could to play a piece before writing out the notes. I was in seventh grade, and thought I would give it one more try.

I opened my violin case, took out my rosin, and rubbed it all over the hair of my bow. The sweet smell of amber tickled my nose. Standing up straight, I held my violin under my chin and focused on the sheet music. No letters this time. Only notes.

Page de Camara on violin playing Canon in D

To my delight, as the bow slid across the bridge, I could decipher the notes on the sheet. I could play and read music simultaneously. It's as if something inside of me finally clicked.

It was the same way with writing. I kept reading others' works, good books, hoping that some of that awesome talent would rub off on me. When I went to write, the story made sense, but it didn't flow. It's like I couldn't tell a story and make it come alive for the reader at the same time.

But, despite my sense of failure, I didn't give up. I kept writing hoping that one day I'd get it.

Well, toward the end of NaNoWriMo, something clicked. It wasn't when I was writing. It was while reading a children's book (sometimes they're the best). The book was called, Stay!, Keeper's Story, a novel about a dog, from the dog's point of view.

Leave it to Lois Lowry to teach me the art of voice. I love her books, especially The Giver series. Yes, more of the dystopian, post-apocalyptic genre, but the authenticity of the characters in these books is what makes them so readable.

In a good book, with strong voice and a steady, rhythmic flow, you can immerse yourself in the writer's world, even a world where a dog thinks like a human.

It's true. I was inside Keeper's mind. I needed to learn how to do that. How to play with words in such a way that I can create a whole new world.

Since that moment, I've been writing in a way that enables the reader to get lost in the words, in the world of my story. It was truly a turning point for me.

Now, I just have to go back over all that I've written with fresh eyes and a new perspective.

In the song Amazing Grace, written by John Newton, the words

"I once was blind, but now I see"

have taken on a new meaning for me.

There is the grace of knowing that in my sinfulness, frailty, and flaws, God has written a new story for me, a story of redemption. His death for my life. My life for His glory.

Every grace is a gift from the good heart of my Father in heaven,
from the grace of understanding muscial notation to the grace of discovering my writer's voice and the little graces in between.

Thanksgiving can become not just a once-a-year event, but an everyday occasion, from sunrise to sunset in this crazy short time we have to experience God's grace and give back the gift of praise.

This truth gives me hope to think about the next grace and the next...

His By Grace,

Chanda

  

Holding onto God's Faithfulness: Surviving Pregnancy and Infant Loss

Fall 2003 and me pregnant with Luke

I've been thinking back in time for the #october2013blogchallenge to when I have been aware of the Lord's faithfulness to me.
 
October in Florida is when the chill autumn air carries with it the the sense of expectancy before the rush of the holidays.  And, when the wind picks up and the leaves fall down, I start to remember.  It's the same thing I think about every year and always in October. 

It is fitting that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month (PILAM).

That's when the crushing news came for me. 

In October of 2003, I was 27 weeks pregnant, and I went to get an ultrasound to determine if my little one was a boy or a girl. What I wasn't expecting was to find was that something was terribly wrong with my child.

 

The doctor said that he had no kidneys. That he had something called Potter's Syndrome, which at that time, there was no treatment. No cure.

After going to more doctors and doing more tests, it was confirmed.  My baby, when he was born, would die.

I realized at that moment that this was all the time I had with him.

I learned to cherish every little movement, hiccup, stretch. I learned who he was by how he felt in my womb. He lived. He mattered.

Luke Joseph Griese was born on December 5, 2003, and he was so light, only 3 lbs. 12 oz., yet my love for him was beyond measure.

He went to be with Jesus eight hours later.

The biggest thing that little Luke taught me was that every life matters because we are all here for a reason. Some of us are here to love and some of us are here to be the recipients of love.

Then there is the love that God has for us. He sent His Son to die for us so that we could live forever with Him. There is no greater love than that.

And now, Luke lives and basks in the eternal love of God in heaven, and I await the day we will be reunited and can share that love again.


Because God is faithful to His promises, He will make all things new, make all the sad things come untrue (Revelation 21). 


So, I will hold onto that truth and look forward to that Day.  Not only to see my son again, but to see the Son, Christ, the Risen One, who carried me in my darkest hours and brought me to the light of day.

If you have lost a child in pregnancy or shortly after birth, my heart aches for you. 
I pray that you will know the faithfulness of God in Christ on your grief journey. 
Never will He leave you, never will He forsake you (Hebrew 13:5). 

For His Word says:

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
 I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me." (Psalm 23:4)

Holding onto Hope,

Chanda

God is Faithful: Treasures in the Snow

No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him." (1 Corinthians 2:9)

Being a Florida girl, born and raised, I never did see snow until I was grown and married and had a few kids in tow.  It was amazing.  I felt like Lucy Pevensie when she stepped out of the wardrobe and into Narnia.  The little snowflakes ambled down, peppering my eyelashes and tickling my nose.

The autumn leaves changing is pretty sparse in Florida, so I'm packing up all our winter wear for our trip up to North Carolina tomorrow to see the real fall.

You never know what a trip up North will bring. 

The last time we visited the Carolinas was an adventure worth telling...

We were starting up the mountain on our way to our cabin.  It was evening and the ground and road were already covered in snow.  Our compact SUV did alright until we came to a steep part.  The snow had melted some and was icy and slippery. 

The Captain clicked the gear into 3D (which I think is mountain drive) and proceeded to go further up the mountain.  Panic struck when the wheels were spinning, but we were going nowhere and then backward, toward the ravine on the side of the road.  I closed my eyes and braced for impact.

Our SUV slid down and into the side of a snow bank, stopping us from going over the side of the mountain.  Relieved and shaken, I realized we were stuck in the snow.  We couldn't go up and we couldn't go back down the mountain.  The Captain turned on our hazard lights to keep anyone from hitting us in the dark. 

"We need to pray, you guys," I said to my husband and the kids.

The Captain and I prayed with the kids for help.  As soon as we finished praying, we saw someone walking in the snow right to where we were.  I rolled down the window to get a better look.

"You all need some help?" said a woman in a plaid flannel, sweat pants, and hiking boots.  Her husband walked up behind her.

"We're stuck," I said.

Scott and Denise were their names, and they were a God-send.  They offered to drive us in their massive 4-wheel drive pick-up truck up the mountain to our cabin--luggage, kids, and all. 

When we got to the cabin, we unloaded all our stuff and kicked the snow and mud off our boots.

"There's going to be more snow tonight," relayed Denise.  "You all might be stuck here for about a week until the snow melts."

That night, our trip looked as if it was ruined, and to top it all off, there was no food in the cabin except for ketchup and sugar packets left there from fast food restaurants.  We had eaten dinner before we went up the mountain, but what were we going to do for the rest of the week? 

Will God really provide for us like that?

The next day was like Christmas.  We got a knock on the door and there were Scott and Denise with boxes full of food.  They even gave us a gingerbread house kit for the kids.

I was humbled and my faith in God's faithfulness was renewed. 

The Lord was going to take care of us, so we need not fear.

That day, we had forgotten a few things in the SUV, so the Captain donned his snow gear and walked down the mountain.  When he came back, he was carrying our cell phone and our toboggan.

 

After calling a tow truck, we all went out and played in the snow and went sledding.

The Captain had our SUV towed to the bottom of the mountain to a parking lot, so we wouldn't get stuck again.  That night we had fresh pork loin (from a local farm) and home-grown canned green beans for dinner courtesy of Scott and Denise.

We stayed the rest of the week and from the pictures, you can tell our trip was not ruined.

Little Man getting ready to sled

Bob the snowman

The Captain posing with Bob

Snowball fight!

Making the gingerbread house

Our last day at the cabin

Eventually the snow melted and the snow plow shovelled the way for us to get down the mountain.

After another neighbor gave us a lift, we made it to our SUV, and were on our way back to sunny Florida.

This year we'll see what adventures the Lord has in store for us.

I know that no matter what, He is there for us and hears us when we call.

If you are a blogger, then I invite you to join the Christian Bloggers community in the #october2013blogchallenge and share how the Lord has been faithful to you.

Trusting in His Faithfulness,

Chanda
 

The Trouble at Wal-Mart

Broken.  That's how my heart felt, sitting in the urgent care clinic with Little Bit, my baby girl with a swollen finger, possibly broken, too.

"What's wrong with your little one?" asked the receptionist.

"Minivan door.  It slid down on her finger."  Feeling dejected, I looked down at the clipboard and finished filling it out.

Picking up Little Bit, I returned the clipboard to the receptionist and sat to wait until our name was called.

She sat on my lap and held her hand up with fingers extended.  Her index finger on her right hand was twice as large as the one on the left.

It all had happened so fast.  We were at Wal-Mart, just Little Bit and me; on a little outing with her mommy.  I grabbed my purse and went to the other side of the van to get Little Bit out.  Sliding the the door open, I reached over to hit the automatic lock button.  There.  All locked up.

I took the baby out of her seat and pulled on the door to slide it shut.  As I turned to go, she reached her hand out and before I could stop it or pull her away, the door caught her finger.

I was ready for an avalanche of tears, but she didn't cry at all.

Maybe the finger wasn't stuck.  A little tug. Oh, yes it was.  Little Bit began to cry.

All the doors were locked.  The baby's finger was stuck and so was I.

My key-less entry button on my keys didn't work, and there was only one way to open the doors once locked--the driver's side door.  On the other side of the minivan.

My heart was racing, and I couldn't calm down. I breathed in through my nose for a count of seven and slowly exhaled out of my mouth.  I needed to be calm, to stay in control.  I had to think.  But, what could I do?  She was stuck.  There was nothing I could do.

Deep within me, came a cry, louder than I thought I possible, "Help, help!  My baby!  Please, somebody, help me!"

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a man running toward me.  He was a young man with skin the color of brown sugar.

I handed him my keys.  "Baby's finger is stuck...can't unlock the door on this side."

He sped to the other side of the van and shuffled with the keys until he found the right one.  I shook my head no.  My door was still locked.  He went into the van and manually unlocked it.

Free.  I held my baby close.  The young man handed me the keys as I breathed a prayer.  Then he ran off.  I didn't even get his name.

By now, Little Bit's finger was swelling and so was her crying.

Back into the van.  Forget Wal-Mart, we're going to the urgent care clinic.

On the way there, my adrenaline level was at an all-time high.  Little condemning thoughts kept on antagonizing me.  It's all your fault...you're a terrible mother...she'll be scarred for life...

Then I remembered who I am.

Breathing a sigh of relief, I parked the car at the clinic. 

Self-contempt doesn't have a chance with a heart resting in God's grace. 

The doctor asked if our car had a door sensor that stopped it when it detected something in the way. 

"No, no sensor." 

More condemning thoughts trickled in, but this time about others.  Car companies care more about money than people's safety...big business is just corrupt like that...it's all about the Benjamins...

Aw, shouldn't go there either.  It would only steal my peace and who am I to judge? 

There is only One Righteous Judge (Isaiah 33:22), only He knows our thoughts and our hearts.

And, what about the guy who helped me unlock the door?  He probably wouldn't have been the first person I would have asked for help.  I prefer asking a person who is in uniform.  It feels safer.  But, the person I least expected was my hero.

And that's it.

I am in no place to judge people's hearts.

Only God knows.  Really.

We are all broken people with broken lives in need of lots of grace.

He is Sovereign over us.  Far above our inadequacies, our insecurities, our pettiness, our prejudices.

And, He loves us.  He didn't have to rescue any of us from the judgement and wrath of God against sin.

But, He did.  Praise God!  He did!  He did it on the cross where He took our sins, our shame, and gave us His grace and His righteousness (2 Corinthians 5:21).  Hallelujah!  What a Savior!

The thing is, we'll always be a little bit broken.  We'll never be in a place where something in our lives doesn't need fixing.  And, though it seems like we're in control sometimes, we're really not.

If we walk by faith, not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7) and keep going forward with this hope: 

It's not gonna always be like this. 

Then we will have peace.

One day Christ will return, and He will make all things new (Revelation 21).

Until then, we can wait and rest in His grace, releasing control to His holy Sovereign will and thanking Him for the little things like an unsung hero and soft bones that didn't break (her finger was okay).

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)

In Christ...

source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Colias_myrmidone

To wrap up the #femaleaugustchallenge prompted by my Google+ friends, +MelanieBaker and +RaeBrooks, beginning with the first post in August,  

Here are all of the True Identity Reminders for who we are in Christ, one for each day of the month:

In Christ...

1.    I have a Father in heaven who loves me so much, He gave His Son to save me and make me His child (John 3:16. Romans 5:8).

2.       I was thought of, loved, and chosen before the world was even made (Ephesians 1:4, Colossians 3:12, 1 Thessalonians 1:4).

3.   I am truly a child of God and will ultimately resemble Him when He returns (John 1:12, 1 John 3:1-2, Philippians 3:20).

4.   I am His beautiful bride (Psalm 45:10, 11, Song of Solomon 4:7, 8, Revelation 19:7).  

5.   I am free from my sin nature, no longer under its control(Romans 6: 2-7).       

6.   I am now a saint, pure and blameless, having the righteousness of God (Ephesians 1:1, Hebrews 10:14, 2 Corinthians 5:21).

7.       I am a new creation with a godly heart that longs to please Him (2 Corinthians 5:17, Ephesians 4:24, Romans 6:18)

8.       I am a temple of God, and my heart is a dwelling place of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 3:16, 6:19).

9.       I am now a masterpiece of God, showing His handiwork in my life (Ephesians 2:10).

10.       I am intimately connected with Jesus, the Vine, and His Life will overflow in me (John 5:18).

11.       I am born of God and belong to Him and the evil one has no authority over me (1 John 5:18).

12.   I am the salt of the earth, sharing the goodness of the Lord with the world (Colossians 4:6).

13. I am a light in a dark world and my life draws people to God (Matthew 5:13-16). 

14. I am a true citizen of heaven and this world is not my home (Philippians 3:20, Hebrew 11:16).

15.   I am a priest of God, proclaiming the gospel to the lost (1 Peter 2: 9, 10).

16.   I have complete confidence to be in the holy presence of God by the blood of Jesus (Hebrews 10:19-22).

17.   I've been given a spirit of power, love, and a sound mind and I need not fear (2 Timothy 1:7).

18.   I have been saved from the judgement and wrath of God which will come against sin (1 Thessalonians 1:10, Romans 5:9).

19.   I have been delivered from the domain of darkness, and transferred into the Kingdom of God's beloved Son (Colossians 1:13).

20.   I have all the rights and privileges a son and can cry out "Abba! Father!" in my time of need (Romans 8:15, Galatians 4:6).

21.   I am led by the Spirit and am free from following the futile principles of this world (Colossians 2:20).

22.   I can rest because all my needs are supplied by my God according to His eternal, unlimited riches as Lord over all (Philippians 4:19).

23.   I have strength in my weaknesses, because I can do all things through Him who gives me strength (2 Cor. 12:9, Philippians 4:13).

24.   I have peace of mind and heart are guarded by Sovereignty of God (Philippians 4:7).

25.   I can press on toward the goal of the eternal prize spurred on by the upward call of God (Phil. 3:14).

26.   I can fight unseen spiritual battles in the strength of His might (Ephesians 6:10-12).

27.   I have been redeemed and forgiven of my sins through His blood and by His grace which He has lavished on me (Eph. 1:7,8, Col. 1: 13, 14).

28.   I am an ambassador for Christ, entreating the world to turn back to God and be reconciled to Him (2 Cor. 5:20).

29.   I have been bought by the blood of Christ, so now I want to honor God by living a pure and holy life (1 Cor. 3:16, 6:19, 20).

30.   I have a new mind, and can seek to have His thoughts (Rom. 12:2, Eph. 4:23, 1 Cor. 2:16).

31.   I am filled with the love of God and can share His love with the world (John 17:26).

Edited by Chanda Griese www.gracegrowswings.blogspot.com

Sources are from handouts from Cypress Church (author unknown) and University Presbyterian Church (UPC) by Mary Lance V. Sisk,
Charlotteville, NC