To My Boy in Heaven

He would have been twelve years old yesterday. But, this was not God's plan for him. Our little boy, Luke Joseph only lived for a day.

This is the letter his daddy wrote to him...

Dear Luke,

What can I say? You are my one and only little boy. I held you in my arms for such a very short time. Eight hours, that was all the time that God allowed us to have with you. But, let me assure you that they were some of the best hours of my life. It was pure joy for me to hold you and kiss your sweet little head, and place my finger in your tiny little hand.

It was simply pure joy to know you little one. When your little hand seemed to squeeze my finger and one of your little eyes opened to peek at me. To see you breathing much longer than the doctors said you would.

I’m sorry that I did not get to know you better in my life. I’m sorry that we didn’t get to do all the things that daddies and little boys get to do. I wanted so much to take you to the park and push you in the swing, teach you how to ride a bike, take you fishing, and play catch.

But, that was not in God’s plan. God’s plan was for you to stay with your mommy and me for just a short time, and then to go to heaven to be with Him.

God loves you very much and has a special purpose for you there. I think you are very happy there, too. There is no sickness, no pain, or cruelty up there like there is down here.

Heaven is a place filled with love, for God is love and you can trust Him to take care of you.

As for me, I’m happy that you’re with Him, but sad that you’re leaving without me. Your mommy and I miss you very much and will think about you every day. But, don’t worry, one day we’ll come to heaven to live with God, too, and we’ll be with each other again.

Remember that I love you very much and you will stay in my heart forever.

Love,

Daddy

Wishing Luke a happy twelth birthday in heaven. We are thankful for eternal life in Christ Jesus and long for the day when we can hold our sweet boy in our arms again.

 "And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

Revelation 21:3-5

Embracing Autism: A Poem

Stuck

Inside

Hidden away

Unable to connect.

Expression hindered

and self oppressed.

Arms flapping wildly

To sense the body.

Faulty wiring

Gone awry.

Trapped in a maze

Of twisted vines

No beginning 

And no end.

Sticky cobwebs

Never swept away.

Unused branches

Never pruned.

Muted senses

Out-of-sync.

The mTOR protein

Blocked the process

Of new connections

And old removed.

This tangled mess—

Axons misfired

Dendrites misplaced

Encompassing the soul

Cocooned within.

Once upon a time,

On the right track

Cooing, babbling

Speaking child

Set off course.

An injury

Of some sort.

From without

Triggered within.

The immune system

Engaged war

With the one

It was sworn

To protect.

Allergies

And sensitivities

Magnified

The hurt.

White matter

And grey

Forced to survive

The wrong way.

The result: autism.

But for this child

Given to me

A bright highlight 

Following grief

My baby.

Cuddled

Read to

Cradled

 In the mirror

How can I free you?

When I am trapped?

Love is the key

To open the way

In my own soul

cocooned.

To embrace

A new dream

And let

 The old one go.

When Plans Fail: {Treasures of the Heart}

Who doesn't like a nice  steaming cup of green tea, the perfect way to de-stress and relax on a trying day?

Yeah that was what I was thinking at the time, when I put the kettle on. 

It was a particularly trying day. One of those days where my body is on autopilot. Knowing where things should be and collecting them to make a hot cup of tea for Bright Girl and me, English style. With a spot of milk. And, a drizzle of honey.

The teacup was hot in my hands, so I blew a little to cool it. When I took a sip, something wasn't right. It tasted strange. I placed my cup on the table to cool some more and went into the kitchen.

Have you ever noticed how a carton of half & half is the same size and shape as a carton of egg whites?

When I went to put away the milk and honey, lo and behold, it was not milk, but eggs that I'd grabbed from the refrigerator and poured into my tea.

"Don't drink the tea," I bellowed from the kitchen.

"Why not?" Bright Girl held her teacup near her lips, about to sip.

I held up the egg whites. "I thought this was milk."

"Aw, mom."

My sentiments exactly. I was looking forward to my cup of tea.

You know the old saying, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger? 

So, it didn't kill me to drink a few teaspoons of raw egg. If anything, a little protein might have been good for me. But, it was not what I was expecting.

A ruined cup of tea is a little disappointment in the mighty sea of life's unexpected outcomes to be sure.

But, something even more unexpected then eggy tea happened. 

I laughed.

My daughter lifted an eyebrow, trying to remain seriously disappointed herself, but couldn't help but break out into a grin.

That was so unlike me. 

When things don't go right, I tend to quietly fume or spend the rest of the day spiraling into mournful preoccupation with all the imperfections of living.

But, joy?

Why joy?

Because I was looking forward to the memories.

This would one day be a funny story in the collection of this mama's many cooking blunders.

We can have joy when we know something good will come out of the bad.

But, we have to be willing to let go of our expectations. 

Sometimes, we have to let our dreams die so new ones can live.

die vb. 1. decease, perish, expire, go, pass away 2. decrease, diminish, fade, sink, decline, wither, wane, fail ant. flourish, grow.

All disappointments are little deaths. Even when our dreams come true, it's never quite how we imagined.

But, there is hope.

If we believe the Lord can create life out of the darkness of our little deaths, then we can have joy.

It is hope that gives joy in all circumstances. Maybe not right away, but it will come. As a gift. From the Giver of all things good and right and true.

All the bad, wrong, messed things in life will one day be made right.

And it will be glorious.

Our precious memories of living out the love and light of Christ are treasures. We can hold on to them in hope, so when the darkness comes, nothing can put out their flame.

"But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart."  (Luke 2:19)

{Marriage is Hard}: 10 Ways to Keep it Going Strong

It was April 1, 1995. April Fools Day. Flannels and droopy hair were in style. Either that or everything black. To express our teenage angst. 

I was sitting at table with a friend and all his other friends at a Denny's restaurant way past midnight. My parents weren't worried about me. As long as I was in a group, it didn't matter how long I stayed up.

And that is when we met. Sleepy-eyed and trying to be cool. Telling jokes and eating appetizers.

When it was time to go, I hugged him goodbye and the rest is history.

It's amazing how we have come from this...

To this...

The first few years of marriage were pretty easy. Just living life and loving each other.

Then, the winds and rain of tragedy hit our house, threatening to make it fall with a tremendous crash. There were times it very nearly did, but by the grace of God and our holding onto Him and His faithful Word, we made it thus far.

And, as we healed, forgave and were restored, we are glad we stayed together. And, thankful to the Lord neither of us gave up.

So what did I learn along the way? Tons. I wrote it all down in journals to look back on. Because I know marriage is hard, but the Lord is strong enough and His grace is sufficient enough to help us weather life's storms.

And it is good to be reminded, encouraged on those hard days. From my journals, I noticed the following reoccurring themes...

10 Ways to Keep a Marriage Strong:

1. Be Thankful: keep a notecard of all the reasons you are thankful your spouse to keep tucked in your Bible and look back on when you aren't feeling so loving toward him.

I am thankful that he...

opens doors for me
holds heavy things for me
encourages me
makes breakfast for the kids...

2. Be Prayerful: Once a week, I set aside a day to pray for my husband. A good book that helped me to start was The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. Life is a battle (Ephesians 6:12-13). Your spouse needs you on his side in prayer to fight the temptation to be selfish. To love sacrificially.

3. Be Grace-full: The times when you have the hardest time loving your spouse is the time when you need the most grace. These are the times I have asked for "multiplied grace and peace (2 Peter 1:2)."

4. Be Humble: We need to be humble enough to let things go. Some battles are worth fighting, but most aren't. It is more about saving face and saving pride.If the issue isn't crucial enough to be resolved at that moment, give your spouse some time and space to be lead by the Lord in loving you.

5. Be Open: Sometimes you will need to use unconventional methods to encourage your spouse to be a godly husband. If there are things in your marriage that are not healthy, ask the Lord to show you ways to help keep the good things in and the bad things out. Be willing and open to do the hard things to stay together. A helpful book to consider is Boundaries in Marriage and consider getting good Christian counselling.

6. Be Submissive: Submission is not as bad as it sounds. We look to the Lord and do what is pleasing to Him. And as we do, our desire to do things that please our husband grows (Ephesians 5:22-24). This doesn't mean being less or burying our wants and needs. It just means living in peace and harmony and not doing things that would put a burden on family life without first coming to a consensus with our spouse. Communication is key in true submission. Not silence.

When I felt passionate about going on a mission trip to Ukraine, at first Billy didn't want me to go. It would be burdensome to be apart from me and be the sole caretaker of our child, but I gave him ample space and time to think and pray about it. He eventually came around and gave me his blessing. We need our husband's blessing to flourish in whatever our pursuit.

7. Be Alone With God: If we can't be alone with God, we can't grow. Our faith walk is not dependent on our spouse. We have to make the time every day cultivating our own relationship with the Lord, apart from our husband. In heaven, there is no marriage (Matthew 22:30). We will be close to our husband, but in a different way. Our most important relationship is with God.

8. Be Patient: Being in a "marriage rut" is no fun. But, we must remember we are on a journey of faith. This world is not our home, but there will be times of refreshing. Wait for those times and seek God's face. He will bless you in the waiting.

9. Be Creative: It is imperative that our spouse is not our sole means to purpose and fulfillment. All the Disney princess movies have a "happily ever after" when the prince marries his bride, but then what happens. What happens after Mr. Darcy wins over Lizzie in Pride and Prejudice? We need to seek ways to use our gifts to the glory of God in our family, but also in the world. To be a light and let it shine for Christ.

10. Be Loved: "We love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19)." When we know who we are in Christ are hearts are filled with love. And we can share that unconditional, grace-filled, agape love with our spouse. And, with the world. When they see our love for each other, they see Christ in you the hope of glory !

"Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,

Because His compassions fail not.

23 

They are new every morning;

Great is Your faithfulness."

Lamentations 3:22-23

Becoming a Woman of Excellence

Nonna Cina. She was my gentle grandmother from Italy. A lady of simple elegance with a wealth of wisdom and heart-felt compassion. I could only hope to one day be as loving, as gracious as Nonna.

It is assumed that some women are just born with an innate goodness. I thought Nonna was like that. But, Scripture teaches all people are born sinners (Romans 3:23). Nonna wasn't born good. Nobody is. And, I didn't know this at the time, but Nonna became a woman of excellence through trusting the Lord in her struggles and hardships.

Nonna didn't waste words. She said those things that stick with you through the years. And, her gifts were the same. Knowing I liked to draw, she once gave me some old pictures from a dated calendar. Each had a picture of a child and a little saying to go along with it. I was a teenager at the time, but I held onto them through the years. 

It's amazing, but I believe each child from those pictures is a beautiful reflection of my own children's personalities and the things I hope for them. Nonna never got to meet any of my children, but in a way, the pictures were a blessing for them from her. I have the four of them framed in my children's room. To remind them of the truth. To remind myself.

The year 1998 was one of those pivotal times in my life. It was the year my Nonna died.

I was twenty. Billy and I loved going over to Grandpa and Nonna’s house for dinner on Sundays. 

Nonna served us spaghetti smothered in authentic Italian marinara sauce, followed by steaming hot cups of espresso. Grandpa Ernie, a baker, served us cake topped with whipped cream frosting for dessert. Billy liked to put some of his frosting in the espresso to cool it, making it bittersweet. 

Not only did Grandpa and Nonna feed our stomachs, they also fed our souls. They encouraged us to follow Jesus and to love others the way that He loved us.

Then Nonna developed a cough that wouldn’t go away. After some tests were done, she was diagnosed with lung cancer. The diagnosis didn’t seem to make any sense. She never smoked, ate home-grown vegetables, and had an overall healthy lifestyle. 

She went to the hospital for more tests and a prognosis.  It turned out that the lung cancer was terminal, and she only had a few weeks to live.

As I was visiting her at the hospital, I noticed a book lying next to her bed. The Hiding Place, by Corrie Ten Boom.

“You can have it,” she said, handing it to me. 

Another gift. "Thank you." 

Soft grey curls framed the eyes of someone who was filled with peace. She had no fear of death. She was fully confident that her Savior would take care of her.

It was hard seeing Nonna fade away. Nothing medically could be done for her. Each Sunday, she went to church and wheeled her oxygen tank down the aisle to her pew, until she no longer had the strength. 

While confined to her bed, my dad came to visit her and played his guitar while singing her favorite hymns.  

Six weeks after her diagnosis, she was gone.

As I read through The Hiding Place, I felt comforted.  How could a story about suffering in a concentration camp help me?  

It was because God was there. 

He showed up and took care of Corrie and her sister Betsy in miraculous ways. And He has done the same for me.

Years later, after having a child born with a condition incompatible with life, I picked it up and read it again. I sensed once again how God is faithful amidst great suffering. 

When it seems all hope is lost, God is there to lift us up.  

He empowers us to forgive those who have hurt us and helps us to reach out to them with His love.

***

After Nonna died, Grandpa Ernie went through all of her things and came across her journal.

“I thought you might like to read this,” he said and handed it to me.  It was small and had a rainbow printed on the front. 

Nonna gave gifts even after she went to be with the Lord. What a legacy.

Reading the journal from cover to cover, I got to know my Nonna’s great love for Jesus.  On one page, she wrote the old adage, 

“The heart would have no rainbow if the eyes had no tears.” 

I now know what she meant.  Though I have shed many tears in my grief, the light of God’s love has been pouring into my broken heart. Like a prism, the love of Christ transformed my tears, filling me with a rainbow of hope.

If I ever hope to become a woman of excellence like Nonna, then there is one place that I need to be. 

At the feet of Jesus.

I know that's where she is right now.   

Lord God, is it possible that Your Word will enter all of my heart, all of my soul, and all of my mind?  You are my Great Comforter.  You give to me rest and peace.  I love you Lord, O Jesus, my Savior.  To You, I pray for holiness, and humility, to fill me with Your innocence and goodness.  To those who are obedient, Your grace is sufficient. –Nonna Cina

The Pearl of Suffering

Stress.

Just saying the word conjures up pictures in my mind. Things I'd rather forget. People who have been hurtful to me or let me down. Unresolved conflicts with those I was close to. Messy relationships. Dark times. Grief.

These things have taken a toll on my health.

Years ago, during a time of great stress, a cyst formed at the base of my skull. The size of a pearl. It no longer hurts, but it's still there.

I sigh.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28)"

"All things." The ancient, holy, living Word, says "all things."

Even the things that are not good. The broken pieces in our lives that don't seem to fit into the picture of a holy and loving God who is Sovereign over all.

"The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it.(1 Thessalonians 5:23)"

Faithful. He is faithful. It takes faith in His faithfulness to see what we cannot see:

The impossible coming true. Miracles happening. The bad turned into something good. The sad things coming untrue.

A friend once counseled me on how the Lord can turn our suffering into something beautiful, like the way a clam turns an irritant in its body over and over again until it forms into an iridescent pearl.

All the stressors, the irritants in our life that keep happiness at bay, if we focus on Christ and hope in His unfailing love, turning the hurts over and over again in prayer and softening them with our salty tears (1 Peter 5:6,7), something amazing will happen.

Jesus, the Son of God, the Suffering Servant who bought our redemption, He knows our pain. And, He knows how to make it 

Something beautiful. 

In Christ, there can be beauty in the pain. In the suffering. However long.

And, when the hurt is gone, with only a scar that remains. A pearl. A reminder of where you've been. There is something you can do with it.

In the light, a single pearl found.

We can clutch our pearls, keeping them close to our heart.

Or we can open our hand and share them with others. With others who will treat them with delicacy and honor. 

We can bring our hurts to light in community. A community that has let the love of Jesus shine in their hearts.

"The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not overcome it." (John 1:5)

For it is in the Light of the love of Christ that we are able to see the beauty that our hurts have become.


The broken pieces of our lives can be strung together as a necklace, a story, to adorn the beloved bride of Christ. His church. The one His heart desires and longs to be near. Now and forevermore.

"Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting.
Let the redeemed of the Lord say so,
Whom He has redeemed from the hand of the adversary..." (Psalm 107: 1-3)