To My Boy in Heaven

He would have been twelve years old yesterday. But, this was not God's plan for him. Our little boy, Luke Joseph only lived for a day.

This is the letter his daddy wrote to him...

Dear Luke,

What can I say? You are my one and only little boy. I held you in my arms for such a very short time. Eight hours, that was all the time that God allowed us to have with you. But, let me assure you that they were some of the best hours of my life. It was pure joy for me to hold you and kiss your sweet little head, and place my finger in your tiny little hand.

It was simply pure joy to know you little one. When your little hand seemed to squeeze my finger and one of your little eyes opened to peek at me. To see you breathing much longer than the doctors said you would.

I’m sorry that I did not get to know you better in my life. I’m sorry that we didn’t get to do all the things that daddies and little boys get to do. I wanted so much to take you to the park and push you in the swing, teach you how to ride a bike, take you fishing, and play catch.

But, that was not in God’s plan. God’s plan was for you to stay with your mommy and me for just a short time, and then to go to heaven to be with Him.

God loves you very much and has a special purpose for you there. I think you are very happy there, too. There is no sickness, no pain, or cruelty up there like there is down here.

Heaven is a place filled with love, for God is love and you can trust Him to take care of you.

As for me, I’m happy that you’re with Him, but sad that you’re leaving without me. Your mommy and I miss you very much and will think about you every day. But, don’t worry, one day we’ll come to heaven to live with God, too, and we’ll be with each other again.

Remember that I love you very much and you will stay in my heart forever.

Love,

Daddy

Wishing Luke a happy twelth birthday in heaven. We are thankful for eternal life in Christ Jesus and long for the day when we can hold our sweet boy in our arms again.

 "And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

Revelation 21:3-5

{Marriage is Hard}: 10 Ways to Keep it Going Strong

It was April 1, 1995. April Fools Day. Flannels and droopy hair were in style. Either that or everything black. To express our teenage angst. 

I was sitting at table with a friend and all his other friends at a Denny's restaurant way past midnight. My parents weren't worried about me. As long as I was in a group, it didn't matter how long I stayed up.

And that is when we met. Sleepy-eyed and trying to be cool. Telling jokes and eating appetizers.

When it was time to go, I hugged him goodbye and the rest is history.

It's amazing how we have come from this...

To this...

The first few years of marriage were pretty easy. Just living life and loving each other.

Then, the winds and rain of tragedy hit our house, threatening to make it fall with a tremendous crash. There were times it very nearly did, but by the grace of God and our holding onto Him and His faithful Word, we made it thus far.

And, as we healed, forgave and were restored, we are glad we stayed together. And, thankful to the Lord neither of us gave up.

So what did I learn along the way? Tons. I wrote it all down in journals to look back on. Because I know marriage is hard, but the Lord is strong enough and His grace is sufficient enough to help us weather life's storms.

And it is good to be reminded, encouraged on those hard days. From my journals, I noticed the following reoccurring themes...

10 Ways to Keep a Marriage Strong:

1. Be Thankful: keep a notecard of all the reasons you are thankful your spouse to keep tucked in your Bible and look back on when you aren't feeling so loving toward him.

I am thankful that he...

opens doors for me
holds heavy things for me
encourages me
makes breakfast for the kids...

2. Be Prayerful: Once a week, I set aside a day to pray for my husband. A good book that helped me to start was The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. Life is a battle (Ephesians 6:12-13). Your spouse needs you on his side in prayer to fight the temptation to be selfish. To love sacrificially.

3. Be Grace-full: The times when you have the hardest time loving your spouse is the time when you need the most grace. These are the times I have asked for "multiplied grace and peace (2 Peter 1:2)."

4. Be Humble: We need to be humble enough to let things go. Some battles are worth fighting, but most aren't. It is more about saving face and saving pride.If the issue isn't crucial enough to be resolved at that moment, give your spouse some time and space to be lead by the Lord in loving you.

5. Be Open: Sometimes you will need to use unconventional methods to encourage your spouse to be a godly husband. If there are things in your marriage that are not healthy, ask the Lord to show you ways to help keep the good things in and the bad things out. Be willing and open to do the hard things to stay together. A helpful book to consider is Boundaries in Marriage and consider getting good Christian counselling.

6. Be Submissive: Submission is not as bad as it sounds. We look to the Lord and do what is pleasing to Him. And as we do, our desire to do things that please our husband grows (Ephesians 5:22-24). This doesn't mean being less or burying our wants and needs. It just means living in peace and harmony and not doing things that would put a burden on family life without first coming to a consensus with our spouse. Communication is key in true submission. Not silence.

When I felt passionate about going on a mission trip to Ukraine, at first Billy didn't want me to go. It would be burdensome to be apart from me and be the sole caretaker of our child, but I gave him ample space and time to think and pray about it. He eventually came around and gave me his blessing. We need our husband's blessing to flourish in whatever our pursuit.

7. Be Alone With God: If we can't be alone with God, we can't grow. Our faith walk is not dependent on our spouse. We have to make the time every day cultivating our own relationship with the Lord, apart from our husband. In heaven, there is no marriage (Matthew 22:30). We will be close to our husband, but in a different way. Our most important relationship is with God.

8. Be Patient: Being in a "marriage rut" is no fun. But, we must remember we are on a journey of faith. This world is not our home, but there will be times of refreshing. Wait for those times and seek God's face. He will bless you in the waiting.

9. Be Creative: It is imperative that our spouse is not our sole means to purpose and fulfillment. All the Disney princess movies have a "happily ever after" when the prince marries his bride, but then what happens. What happens after Mr. Darcy wins over Lizzie in Pride and Prejudice? We need to seek ways to use our gifts to the glory of God in our family, but also in the world. To be a light and let it shine for Christ.

10. Be Loved: "We love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19)." When we know who we are in Christ are hearts are filled with love. And we can share that unconditional, grace-filled, agape love with our spouse. And, with the world. When they see our love for each other, they see Christ in you the hope of glory !

"Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,

Because His compassions fail not.

23 

They are new every morning;

Great is Your faithfulness."

Lamentations 3:22-23

True Calling

When I turned thirty, I remember thinking, this is the age of Christ, when he began His ministry. But, I didn't feel like I was doing anything special for the Kingdom of God.
Only cooking, cleaning, changing stinky diapers, wiping runny noses, getting little sleep, barely getting out of the house. You know, nothing special.

Life went on. Birthdays 31, 32, and 33. I was the age of Christ when He gave His life as a payment for our sins, was resurrected and left this earth. Still, I was nothing special. Still...me. Still, a nobody.

Time to throw a pity party, right? Unless...

Maybe I got it all wrong.

Nothing special. Useless. A nobody. Doesn't sound like my Father's voice.

The flesh, the world, the devil himself, all send messages about who we are, why we're here, and what makes us valued. 

The flesh, that old sinful selfish part of me says in order to be something special, I need to do something great and have lots and lots of friends to be loved or valued.

The world chimes in that I need to achieve a certain status, to attain a certain unattainable lifestyle, to be known on a broad range to be loved or valued.

The devil will do anything to keep me from knowing my true identity. He will try to get me down by convincing me that I'm a useless nobody or puff me up with vanity that I might be consumed with my own perceived greatness. Whatever works.

Whatever keeps me from realizing my true identity and true calling.

Because if I knew, if all of us knew and woke up from our complacency, like Christ, we would flip over the tables of those who profit by our drowsy coasting through life. Our world would be turned upside down.

We must wake up from our slumber. From the false lullaby of the flesh, the world, and the devil, lulling us to sleep, making us miss opportunities to love a broken world.

Cause that's why we're here. To love. Christ commands it. Love God first and our neighbor next. In small ways, ways that nobody else will even notice. But, that doesn't make us nobodies.

The truth is,

We are loved and valued by God because through Christ, our whole life, has been, is being, and will be redeemed.

Apart from the truth, it doesn't matter what we have come to believe about ourselves, or what others have told us is important.

Nothing else matters but what Christ did on the cross and what that means for us and the world.

Christ is the center, the core, the missing page that has been torn out of our history books.

Everything hinges on Him, whether we acknowledge Him or not.

But, when we do, we change.

Our world changes. Turns upside down.

Or, maybe it was upside down to begin with.

In Christ, we are made right. Turned upright. Back to God. Back to the place and the Person where we are most valued and loved.

In light of His love and grace, we can reach out to our significant other, our children, our friends, acquaintances, even enemies. With love. Agape' love. The giving kind of love that pours itself out to the utmost. Because that is what Jesus did for us.

And that is what will change our world.

Proof of Pi

π

Proof of Pi.

Never changing.

Crucial for circumference,

Or the area of a circle.

Formulated by the Greeks.

Or rather, discovered.

Always existing.

As long as we have round.

Do we really need proof 

For something that just is? 

That's what geometry

 Theorems are for. 

Proofs, proofs, and more proofs. 

It's all logical.

The Logos.

The Word made flesh that dwelt among us. 

But, still we want to touch the nail-marked hands 

And put our fingers in the pierced side. 

We need to see. 

Or do we?

Touched by grace, 

Through the eyes of love, 

We've been given 

These very great 

And precious promises 

From above. 

Look upon the cross. 

Do we still need proof?

It is finished. 

Because of Love: Montage of a Short Life

"Why keep a baby that you know is going to die?"

My children's former pediatrician posed this question. She didn't wait for my answer. She looked down at the clipboard and flipped through the documents which held my children's medical history.

This was after the pediatrician informed with me that her sister had chosen to abort her child with Potter's Syndrome--the same abnormality that my infant son, Luke, died from in 2003. Desperate people sometimes do desperate things, so I didn't judge her sister.

I broke the awkward silence. "I'm sure your sister is still sad." I would be. I still was.

She paused, looked up at me, furrowed her brow and wrote something down on her clipboard.

"Some of your children are not fully up-to-date on their immunizations," she said, changing the subject.

When I left the doctor's office, my head was spinning. Luke lived. I held him for eight hours and then he fell asleep peacefully in my arms before he stopped breathing all together. Those were precious moments that I would never take back. Not for anything.

Why keep a baby that you know is going to die?

Because...

Because we loved him.


Missing you, my sweet little Luke.


Until we meet again,

Mommy

If I Should Die...

We're moving, and, oh what a chore packing is...

In all the hustle and bustle, I came across a note at the bottom of our file cabinet and was caught off guard. 

It was titled, "Things to do if I Die or Become Incapacitated," written in the Billy's handwriting. He had written it long ago and placed it there for me to find. Sharing my discovery with him, we opened it together. 

The note was written years ago, listing all our life insurance policies and who to call to get social security benefits. Then, at the bottom, was a letter written to me:

Chanda,

I love you so much and hope that you never need to use this. I wish you the best life imaginable and I encourage you to love again, but be picky!

Take care of the kids—that is your priority! With God's help you can do this.

Don't lose heart and don't give up.

You're so beautiful and special. I love you so dearly. Words can't really do justice to how I feel about you or how deep and close our relationship has become. 

You know I love you and you know that we have something so very beautiful and wonderful. 

I cringe when I think of the ways that I've hurt you and failed you. But God has made me a new man and he has saved our relationship—and our very selves. He has brought us together and he (if you are reading this) has now torn us apart. 

Our love has been a gift for eternity, but our husband/wife relationship is only for a time. 

Be strong, my love—for you will need to be. 

Be patient, for God will come through. 

Be hopeful, for we will see each other again someday. 

Take care of our kids—please don't let them forget me—or our Savior. 

Watch out, especially for Little Man—I worry about how he'll do without a Dad. Tell him how I love him and how he is the son I always dreamed of having. 

Be a strong example to my girls, they'll need your example even more. Don't let them forget how beautiful and special they are to me. 

You will have to console them while nursing your own wounds. It will be a difficult road ahead, but don't give up and don't lose heart. Jesus has overcome the world and He will see you through this. 

I love you so much! You are the girl of my dreams--I never even dreamed I would love someone so much! Goodbye my sweet darling. I will see you in heaven.

Love,

Billy

P.S. Sorry for the messy writing.

I wiped away tears and wrapped my arms around the love of my life, holding him tight. Thankfully, I got to read the letter as a love note, not a final farewell.

It made me think about how the Word of God is like the last love note of our Lord, Jesus, written to show us that the way of salvation is in Him alone. 

In it, He encourages us, helps us, and reminds us of His unfailing, undying love, a love that sent Him to die on a cross, but because He was God's own Son, He was raised back to life.

What He left for us is better than any life insurance policy.  To have our sins paid for and to be given eternal life, life without end--now that is better by far. Then, every Word in the love note will be fullfilled, the Word Himself will stand before us and live with us forever.  

"Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." (Ephesians 5:1,2).