To be a woman is to be afraid. In our collective stories, deeply imbedded in our psyche, the world is unsafe and we must find a way to rest secure. Many of us who have secured a husband, find we automatically relinquish responsibility for our safety to him. Generally speaking, men seem to desire to want to care for their women, so this paradigm naturally falls into place. I unconsciously accepted this idea for a good deal of the first-half of my marriage. Consequentially, my anxiety ran wild and my relational problems only grew worse.
In the second-half of our marriage, I'm learning that I need to work hard in taking responsibility for my own wellbeing—to further develop self-agency. On our twenty-fourth anniversary trip to Spain, a tour guide wanted to to take a picture of himself with me. He proceeded to ask not me, but my husband for permission to do so, as if I had no say over it. Don't get me wrong, I actually wasn't offended. This man didn't want to overstep with my husband or me in a country where this patriarchal system is clearly spelled out. He only did what his traditional society required. More modern cultures supposedly have less tolerance for such traditions, but despite the denial, they are still there.
On this side of Paradise, as far as the curse is found, men being more primed to be in charge has always been a thing. But, the thing is, something happens to married women when we relinquish all responsibility for our safety to our husbands. Succumbing to this pervasive relational system doesn’t give us the peace it's promised. We have lost something in return—our passivity has kept us from maturity.
The world is a scary place, but its challenges give rise to opportunities for growth. I'll admit that my fail-safe, my default is to let my husband take over, to be the man. It's easier, and he loves to do so. It can even be a noble thing, to lay down his life for me. But what if always taking a step back keeps me from moving forward in developing my own God-given gifts and abilities? To learn to navigate in a new place and boldly explore unknown territory despite danger and opposition takes grit and develops resilience, qualities I don't want to miss out on.
In Spain, the perfect opportunity was afforded for me to grow when I had no other choice but to face a difficult challenge alone. When my husband fell ill before the end of our trip, I needed to “woman-up” and obtain the natural remedies (Spain is big on these) and other essentials that we needed to survive. My mission was to navigate the streets of a foreign country on foot alone. Did I fear being accosted? You bet. Did I hurry? I prayed and ran as fast as my little legs could carry me before the sun set over the harbor.
Without thinking, on the way back from la farmacia (the pharmacy), I ended up alone in a broom-closet-sized elevator at our hotel with a young, suave local, his shirt buttoned up to the navel, which revealed ample chest hair. The door shut and my anxiety rose. The man stood there, pressing the number for his floor, but the elevator did not budge.
I squeezed my travel forward-facing pack, the only barrier against me and a possible assailant. “Try your room card … um … tarjeta,” I suggested.
“Oh … muchos gracias.” He whipped out his card and swiped it against the keypad. The elevator lurched to the next floor and the doors couldn't open fast enough for me to high-tail it out of there. I don't want to think that I might be an adult victim of a sex crime, but it happens far too often. One reason I struggle so much from this fear is because I was a child victim of sexual abuse. Another reason is the real statistic that 1 in 6 women will, at some point in their life, become victimized. Personally, I know more than a handful of women who have admitted to being raped. As I said before, to be a woman is to be afraid.
When I returned to our hotel room, I dropped off the herbal remedy, but I needed to make one more trip because we were out of food and water. To avoid the expense of room service, I hurriedly ran to the market 15 minutes away in half the time the GPS guessed it would take me. By the grace of God, I made it back right before sundown. Because I faced my fears, now I know that I could do it again. My anxiety is slowly being chiseled away through learned experiences.
Most would agree that a good marriage requires both husband and wife to learn to “adult” equally. How can women develop the skills of grit and resilience in marriage when the present (though underlying) systems drive men to take the helm when the going gets tough?
Women don't want to remain emotionally stunted. It will feel counter-intuitive at first, but bringing our own ideas to the table and pulling our own weight to solve complex problems will give us a voice and a place right beside our husband, instead of two steps behind him. This will play out in all aspects of marriage—sexual intimacy, finances, raising children.
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| Throne room of Alcazar in Segovia, Spain - home of Queen Isabel I from ages 10-22 |
In a perfect world (as we Christians believe it was in the beginning), women and men were meant to be co-regents, working side-by-side to bring forth truth, goodness, and beauty—the light of the knowledge of God. Since the fall of man, our world and its systems have behaved in a very broken way. Our promised Savior, Christ Jesus, through His life and sacrifice, brought about the redemption of our souls and a new way to live based on loving God and our neighbor.
A perfect example of an early Christian couple with this kind of relationship is shared in the Book of Acts, written by Luke, an early follower of Jesus. Priscilla and her husband Aquila worked together as a Christian married couple to disciple Apollos, a future Christian leader (Acts 18:18-28). They are both given credit for their faithful service. This exemplary couple exercised a healthy balance of selflessness and supportiveness. They worked out what works in their relationship to pursue a higher, Christ-honoring goal.
During our excursion in mainland Spain, my husband and I worked together to walk a single gal to her hotel after our tapas tour in Madrid had ended way past midnight. We both worried over this young woman's safety and stayed with her until she saw some familiar sights and felt comfortable navigating the rest of the journey to her hotel alone. She had confessed to me that she had a spiritual experience while visiting a cathedral but claimed to have no religious affiliation, so I gave her a simple book that would walk her through the gospel.
Part of being a light in the world is pushing against the darkness and learning for ourselves through our own experiences the knowledge of God—that He is our helper. In turn, we can help others with the strength we have developed through facing our fears in faith.
"So we say with confidence,
'The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.
What can mere mortals do to me?'” (Hebrews 13:6)
Going forward into the second-half of our marriage, I want to bring the skills of hard-won grit and resilience to the table. Together in our one shared life as a married couple, I want to exercise my God-given capacity to bring light into the world and realize the way the Lord has enabled me to truly love my neighbors, doing them good all the days of my life.
Read my poem "Cami de Cavalls" about hiking on Spain's island of Menorca here.
