ROUGH WATERS
"In Him was life and that life was the light of men" (John 1:4)
My heart was filled with contempt.
As I attempted to sketch Sir Issac Newton surveying a prism, which he used to convert a beam of sunlight into all the colors of the rainbow, someone in class passed by my desk and touched my paper. He left it wet and sticky.
Not only did this fellow art student in my high school drawing class repeatedly sexually harass me by whispering nasty things in my ear, he had smeared white glue onto my drawing.
Something in me snapped.
I dipped my finger into the glue on my drawing and walked right up to him. I wiped the glue onto his beloved silk jacket.
Expletives erupted from his mouth. He picked up a pair of scissors, waving them in my direction. "I'm going to cut you."
I snatched up a yard stick, as if that would give me some defense.
My vision tunneled. I could barely breathe. I didn't know what to do. Where was the teacher?
"Walk away." a Voice whispered in my heart.
I had no other recourse. I steered my entire body away from the enraged student and struggled to the art room sink. I set down the yard stick and washed the glue off my hands.
From behind me, the student continued yelling. I made it back to my desk with some paper towels and attempted to clean off my drawing. After that, he left me alone.
The Voice that spoke to me then was familiar. Loving, yet firm. I was sure that it was the Lord.
Years passed by before the Lord spoke to me that way again.
Then, in 2003, when I was hired to work at a Christian missions agency, I heard the Lord speak again.
I had committed to waking up early in the morning to pray because my usual afternoon prayer time would be taken up at work.
The morning of my first day of work, I didn't feel like getting up to pray. I wanted to sleep.
"Seek my face." The Voice spoke in a whisper, deep inside my heart.
This startled me out of my sleepiness, and I got up.
In my Bible, I turned to my reading for the day, Psalm 27. The exact verse the Lord spoke to me jumped off the page.
"You have said, “Seek my face.” My heart says to you, “Your face, LORD, do I seek” (Psalm 27:8).
Having this close relationship with the Lord helped me through the grief of losing my child. When I experienced relational problems with my husband, I needed to reach out to those who could be Christ to me in my time of need.
WAR AND PEACE
When the spiritual high of serving the Lord overseas wore off, the valley of normal became a battle ground. After Billy and I returned from the mission trip to Poland, all hell broke loose. Our arguments before our trip were nothing compared to after.
We each brought baggage into our marriage. Grief has a way of bringing out our insecurities and sin patterns and magnifying them.
I felt alone and abandoned in so many ways in my life. In my insecurity after Luke died, I tried to cling to Billy, but he wasn't emotionally available to me. He had shut down his emotions in order to work in a demanding job. His unresolved grief had made him increasingly irritable which led to many conflicts.
In my own grief, my emotions were raw. I was angry that Billy didn't see my needs, and I thought he was being selfish. My desire to be comforted by him was left unmet.
Intimacy became empty and lifeless, totally lacking in love.
We desperately needed help.
I read books on how to make a struggling marriage better. But it was always work, work, work and all the responsibility was heaped on my shoulders. Instead of things getting better, they only got worse.
Billy was the one who made the phone call to our pastor, who referred us to a counselor.
GROWING PAINS
Little did I know, I needed counselling long before we ever had any problems.
The next months and even years were about us growing up. I had to face the ways that I'd been seriously wounded in my past. Billy did the same. And, we had to learn how two very flawed people need God and His people in community to help us become one.
Not only did counselling help me with my marriage, I needed reorientation in all of my relationships. I could be a pliable person. Bending to the whims of stronger-willed people, and many of those people didn't have my best interests at heart.
I had to grow up.
We both did.
Uncharted Waters: Part 1 is found here.
Part 14 is available here.
No comments:
Post a Comment