Uncharted Waters Part 8: Departure|A Mother’s Journey from Death to Life #PregnancyandInfantLossAwareness

HOLDING ONTO HOPE

Hours passed. Luke took small breaths every now and then. The nurses brought Billy and me some turkey sandwiches. I forced myself to take a few bites, knowing that I needed to keep up my strength to be there for Luke.

Billy shook his head somberly, refusing to eat anything. This only sapped his strength and before long, he fell asleep.

“While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept, for I said,

‘Who knows whether the Lord will be gracious to me, that the child will live?

(2 Samuel 12:22 ESV)

TIME TO SAY GOODBYE

It was around eleven o'clock at night. While I held Luke, my small group leader Mark, and my sister-in-law, Krista conversed freely about the excitement of going on mission trips. I shared about my trip to Ukraine, and the joy of sharing Christ with people of other nations.

In the middle of our conversation, I hugged Luke to myself. He seemed lighter. As if he was gone.

The nurse on hand checked him. "No heartbeat."

Mark gently awakened Billy. Amidst tears, I passed our baby to him. "He's with the Lord."

Billy was struck with the weight of grief as he cradled the body of our son.

An hour before midnight, about eight hours from when Luke first entered this world, he had silently slipped away.

A GRIEF SHARED

As I watched Billy, I realized Jesus was now holding Luke safe in His arms.

“He tends his flock like a shepherd:

He gathers the lambs in his arms

and carries them close to his heart” 

(Isaiah 40:11)

I didn’t want us to hold on to Luke’s body too long. I wanted to remember him as he was, before he started to lose his rosy color.

After the nursing staff rechecked his vitals and confirmed that he was gone, we passed his body to them to be held for burial.

That night, Billy and I fell asleep holding each other in the hospital bed. We both woke in the middle of the night and remembered Luke. Billy started weeping first, then I joined him.

The grief we shared that night echoed the throbbing pain in our hearts.

For Part 1, click here.

Part 9 is available here.