NOWHERE ELSE TO TURN
Utterly alone, I longed for Billy to lament with me but he was avoiding his own grief.
“Billy, I need to tell you something.”
He shut off the T.V. “What is it?”
“I don’t think God is going to heal our baby.”
“Stop saying that. Just keep praying.”
“I have been praying. But every time we go to the doctor, the baby’s kidneys still aren’t there.”
He got up. “It’s getting late, and I have to work tomorrow. Let’s get some sleep.” He kissed me on top of my head.
A BETTER COMFORT
I tried to sleep, but with no amniotic fluid, the baby’s movements were not cushioned. Pregnancy had become painful. I worried that if I was hurting, was the baby suffering?
When the worries became overwhelming, I grabbed my Bible and new leather journal and headed out to the living room. I snuggled into my plush recliner chair, placed the Bible on my swollen belly, and poured over Scripture.
As I read each Psalm, I knew my Savior was with me. He instilled in me His strength and peace. I poured out my heart and prayers to the Lord and filled the empty pages of my journal with any encouragement I could find.
November 28, 2003I lie awake in bed this morning, not wanting to get up. This being the last trimester of my pregnancy, I have felt too weak and tired to pray. I looked at my Bible thinking, there’s no way I’ll wake up enough to read.The urge to use the restroom got me out of bed. As I trudged to the bathroom, I realized that I needed the Lord to give me enough strength to desire to “seek His face,” so I prayed for help.My mind was foggy, but I sensed God speak to my heart. “Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, his love endures forever.”I spoke this truth out loud and then prayed again.“Please, Lord, give me the strength to seek Your face diligently, and to read Your Word.”I opened my eyes and felt strengthened. I grabbed my Bible and happened to turn to the gospels, in the Book of Luke and my eyes landed on Chapter 19, verse 28.It was when Jesus entered Jerusalem at the time of the Passover feast, before He was crucified. I thought about how joyful the people were when they shouted, “Hosanna!” which means, God saves.Many people recognized that Jesus was yet again fulfilling prophecy about the Messiah, and they cried, “Blessed is the King who comes in the name of the Lord.”I wondered where this prophecy was in the Bible. The footnote said Psalm 118:26. I turned to Psalm 118 and the first verse said,“Give thanks to the Lord for he is good, his love endures forever.”The very same verse God spoke to my heart.Yes, the Lord is good, and His love endures forever, and He shall reign as King forever. He reveals Himself to me and reminds me who He is. He is the God who saves.
STAYING AFLOAT
Facing the death of my baby was like acknowledging I was on a journey aboard a ship I didn’t want to be on. With the storm clouds of grief looming over the horizon, I needed something to keep me from sinking.
During rough waters, the extra weight of a ballast or heavy load of stones would right a ship and keep it from capsizing.
The one and only true and perfect ballast that kept me from sinking was Jesus Christ. When the waves of grief crashed over me, threatening to submerge me in its dark, despairing depths, His love was deep within my heart, keeping me afloat.
The Lord was taking care of me. I could still trust Him in my pain.
When I was overwhelmed, His words became real to me, and my only anchor of hope. I knew He wasn’t going to leave me—especially now that I needed Him so much.
Some nights, I agonized about what was going to happen and became captive to all my fears. The burden of it threatened to crush me until I surrendered my worries to the Lord. I laid them at His feet in prayer and entrusted myself to whatever He had planned for me and my baby. I was finally able to sleep peacefully and had enough strength to make it through the next day.
For Part 1, click here.
Part 7 is available here.
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