When it Seems Like You'll Forever Be Holding the Hand of Your Struggling Learner

Mustering up all the excitement I could, I tapped my little guy on the shoulder. "Ready for swim lessons?" 

As he lounged on my bed, he crossed his arms over his legs and scowled. "I don't wanna go." No surprise here. It was his typical response for trying something new.

"Well, I already paid for it, so you're going." And that was my typical response.

He's smart enough to know there was no point arguing. Mama's got her plans, so he better go along with it or he might pay the price in loss of video game time. 

Thankfully, his swim instructor was super patient and he eventually had a blast and became a stronger swimmer.

Soccer was harder. Even though all the other kids had gathered around the coach, he refused to go out on the field. I hadn't planned on this.

Holding his hand, I padded out on the field and as soon as he was distracted, I backed away and hurried to the bleachers. He was fine after that and ended up loving it.

Then it was time for the club meeting. I was prepared for a similar scenario. But, the dynamics of the room proved to cause sensory overload for him. 

He clung to me like a bear cub on a pine tree. This mama bear wanted him to participate, but I had to let it go. Our kids' hearts are more important than how well they perform. 

All oaks from acorns grow, right? This little acorn, he has autism. Will he still grow up into an oak, able to stand on his own? Cause I know he can't hold my hand forever. 

How do us parents with struggling learners move from frustration and disappointment to hope?

We need to keep the bigger picture in mind.

Success in the Kingdom of the Son doesn't lie in college diplomas, a six figure job and grand accolades. It's being like Jesus.

Not only did Jesus level with us all by becoming a man, He lowered himself even further, by becoming a servant and washing his disciples' mud-encrusted feet.

If we want our kids to be like Jesus, we need to be like Him first and let go of our plans and our pride.

We must be willing to stoop down low and hold our children's hands until they can stand on their own. But also taking a step further and showing them the nail-scarred hand of the one who will never let them go.

It's making disciples of the least of these.

So they can bring His light into a dark world.

My boy loves John Bunyan's allegory The Pilgrim's Progress. 

Christian, the main character in the story embarks on a journey to somehow remove the heavy burden on his back (his sin). 

Along the way, he comes face-to-face with Jesus on the cross and the burden comes rolling off never to be seen again. 

But, that's not the end of the story. 

He is given a new coat of armor to protect himself (the armor of God) and a little scroll to help him along the way (the Bible). 

The journey takes many twists and turns and Christian has to fight, endure and press on. Until he reaches that Celestial City where his earthly journey ends and his heavenly one begins.

Our kids need Jesus. For salvation, protection and life instructions.

Let's not just focus on self-sufficiency, but God-sufficiency. May our children not only walk the stage to get a diploma, but walk the path to the cross, where every self-centered dream must die in order for dreams eternal to live.

In whatever weaknesses our children have, God is strong. And, He is more glorified in those who need Him most.

"At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 18:1-4

Embracing Autism: A Poem

Stuck

Inside

Hidden away

Unable to connect.

Expression hindered

and self oppressed.

Arms flapping wildly

To sense the body.

Faulty wiring

Gone awry.

Trapped in a maze

Of twisted vines

No beginning 

And no end.

Sticky cobwebs

Never swept away.

Unused branches

Never pruned.

Muted senses

Out-of-sync.

The mTOR protein

Blocked the process

Of new connections

And old removed.

This tangled mess—

Axons misfired

Dendrites misplaced

Encompassing the soul

Cocooned within.

Once upon a time,

On the right track

Cooing, babbling

Speaking child

Set off course.

An injury

Of some sort.

From without

Triggered within.

The immune system

Engaged war

With the one

It was sworn

To protect.

Allergies

And sensitivities

Magnified

The hurt.

White matter

And grey

Forced to survive

The wrong way.

The result: autism.

But for this child

Given to me

A bright highlight 

Following grief

My baby.

Cuddled

Read to

Cradled

 In the mirror

How can I free you?

When I am trapped?

Love is the key

To open the way

In my own soul

cocooned.

To embrace

A new dream

And let

 The old one go.

When Plans Fail: {Treasures of the Heart}

Who doesn't like a nice  steaming cup of green tea, the perfect way to de-stress and relax on a trying day?

Yeah that was what I was thinking at the time, when I put the kettle on. 

It was a particularly trying day. One of those days where my body is on autopilot. Knowing where things should be and collecting them to make a hot cup of tea for Bright Girl and me, English style. With a spot of milk. And, a drizzle of honey.

The teacup was hot in my hands, so I blew a little to cool it. When I took a sip, something wasn't right. It tasted strange. I placed my cup on the table to cool some more and went into the kitchen.

Have you ever noticed how a carton of half & half is the same size and shape as a carton of egg whites?

When I went to put away the milk and honey, lo and behold, it was not milk, but eggs that I'd grabbed from the refrigerator and poured into my tea.

"Don't drink the tea," I bellowed from the kitchen.

"Why not?" Bright Girl held her teacup near her lips, about to sip.

I held up the egg whites. "I thought this was milk."

"Aw, mom."

My sentiments exactly. I was looking forward to my cup of tea.

You know the old saying, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger? 

So, it didn't kill me to drink a few teaspoons of raw egg. If anything, a little protein might have been good for me. But, it was not what I was expecting.

A ruined cup of tea is a little disappointment in the mighty sea of life's unexpected outcomes to be sure.

But, something even more unexpected then eggy tea happened. 

I laughed.

My daughter lifted an eyebrow, trying to remain seriously disappointed herself, but couldn't help but break out into a grin.

That was so unlike me. 

When things don't go right, I tend to quietly fume or spend the rest of the day spiraling into mournful preoccupation with all the imperfections of living.

But, joy?

Why joy?

Because I was looking forward to the memories.

This would one day be a funny story in the collection of this mama's many cooking blunders.

We can have joy when we know something good will come out of the bad.

But, we have to be willing to let go of our expectations. 

Sometimes, we have to let our dreams die so new ones can live.

die vb. 1. decease, perish, expire, go, pass away 2. decrease, diminish, fade, sink, decline, wither, wane, fail ant. flourish, grow.

All disappointments are little deaths. Even when our dreams come true, it's never quite how we imagined.

But, there is hope.

If we believe the Lord can create life out of the darkness of our little deaths, then we can have joy.

It is hope that gives joy in all circumstances. Maybe not right away, but it will come. As a gift. From the Giver of all things good and right and true.

All the bad, wrong, messed things in life will one day be made right.

And it will be glorious.

Our precious memories of living out the love and light of Christ are treasures. We can hold on to them in hope, so when the darkness comes, nothing can put out their flame.

"But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart."  (Luke 2:19)

{Perspective}:How to Know God is Real

It was time to let my little boy, with the cowlick in the back that refuses to stand down, know the good news. 

He was watching Phineas and Ferb on Netflix with his siblings. 

"Guess what?" I said loud it enough to rise above the volume of Phineas trying to make plans about what to do today... 

No response.

"Hey. Little Man? I've got something to tell you." Slightly louder.

He glanced at me. "What?" Then turned back to the computer screen.

It seemed like he was still listening, but it's hard to tell sometimes with autism. 

"I am going to be your teacher tomorrow." I paused. "In your third grade Sunday School class." No feedback. "How do you like that?"

He continued to stare at the cartoon. "Oh. Good," he said without flinching.

Helping teach a classroom full of rowdy, rambunctious nine-year-olds, was not really my idea of a day of rest, but I was surprised to find that I was blessed in doing so.

Toward the end of class, one of the questions the lead teacher asked struck me. 

"How do you know God is real?"

That's not just a question for kids. And, it's hard to answer.

For the first time that morning, the class went silent.

Then one bright girl spoke up. "In God's Word."

And, it got me thinking.

How do we know God is real?

Yes, in His Word, the Holy Bible, the best-selling book in all of time, preserved through millenia, translated into nearly every language in existence.

But, how do we know God is real from the Bible?

Well, that is where faith comes in...

So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God. Romans 10:17

But, how does one go about getting faith?

Can you try really hard to conjure up feelings of belief?

No. Although feelings are associated with it, faith in itself is not a feeling (Ephesians 2:8,9).

Can you study really hard and know everything about theology?

No. Unless you experience a spiritual rebirth, you cannot see the kingdom of God (John 3:3)

Can you do every religious practice "religiously" to be considered a righteous person?

No. Every thing we try to do to be right with God is still done without Him and brings us no closer to knowing Him.

God must reach out to us.

Because faith is a gift from above (Ephesians 2:8,9).

And, here is the real good news...

God reached down from on high, broke through the womb of a lowly virgin, grew in wisdom and stature in grace and in truth. 
He allowed Himself to be broken, poured out and killed on a cross as a sacrifice for our sins. 
And, He was raised back to life and now is in heaven until the appointed time of His return.

It takes a miraculous faith to believe in salvation through Christ Jesus.

And also, for us to acknowledge that Christ is not only our Savior, but our Lord, Whom all our feelings, thoughts, plans, words, and actions bow down to.

"That if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation." (Romans 10:9,10)

When we believe He reached down to us, and we daily acknowledge Him as Savior and Lord, we know He is real.  And, we will see Him in our lives.

Five Ways to See God:

In our feelings: when we worship the Lord through song, with lifted hands, bowed down, or clapping in exaltation, we allow our hearts to adore Him. And, we will fall in love with Him.

In our thoughts: when we pray and meditate on God's Word, His Works, and His Providence, our minds are renewed. We become God-focused. And, we will think like Him.

In our plans:  when we make a point to look to the Lord first in all things, our lives are set in tune with His will for us. We will trust Him to work all things out for our good (Matthew 6:33, Romans 8:28).

In our words: when our feelings, thoughts and plans are saturated with the Lord, our words will be full of love, thankfulness, and praise. We will confess His faithfulness to the world.

In our actions: when we depend on the Lord's strength to do the things that are hard, but good, we will be able to accomplish the impossible. We will take courage in Him.

We can only see God because He first reached out to us and gave us His grace. 

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God." (Matthew 5:8)

{Marriage is Hard}: 10 Ways to Keep it Going Strong

It was April 1, 1995. April Fools Day. Flannels and droopy hair were in style. Either that or everything black. To express our teenage angst. 

I was sitting at table with a friend and all his other friends at a Denny's restaurant way past midnight. My parents weren't worried about me. As long as I was in a group, it didn't matter how long I stayed up.

And that is when we met. Sleepy-eyed and trying to be cool. Telling jokes and eating appetizers.

When it was time to go, I hugged him goodbye and the rest is history.

It's amazing how we have come from this...

To this...

The first few years of marriage were pretty easy. Just living life and loving each other.

Then, the winds and rain of tragedy hit our house, threatening to make it fall with a tremendous crash. There were times it very nearly did, but by the grace of God and our holding onto Him and His faithful Word, we made it thus far.

And, as we healed, forgave and were restored, we are glad we stayed together. And, thankful to the Lord neither of us gave up.

So what did I learn along the way? Tons. I wrote it all down in journals to look back on. Because I know marriage is hard, but the Lord is strong enough and His grace is sufficient enough to help us weather life's storms.

And it is good to be reminded, encouraged on those hard days. From my journals, I noticed the following reoccurring themes...

10 Ways to Keep a Marriage Strong:

1. Be Thankful: keep a notecard of all the reasons you are thankful your spouse to keep tucked in your Bible and look back on when you aren't feeling so loving toward him.

I am thankful that he...

opens doors for me
holds heavy things for me
encourages me
makes breakfast for the kids...

2. Be Prayerful: Once a week, I set aside a day to pray for my husband. A good book that helped me to start was The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. Life is a battle (Ephesians 6:12-13). Your spouse needs you on his side in prayer to fight the temptation to be selfish. To love sacrificially.

3. Be Grace-full: The times when you have the hardest time loving your spouse is the time when you need the most grace. These are the times I have asked for "multiplied grace and peace (2 Peter 1:2)."

4. Be Humble: We need to be humble enough to let things go. Some battles are worth fighting, but most aren't. It is more about saving face and saving pride.If the issue isn't crucial enough to be resolved at that moment, give your spouse some time and space to be lead by the Lord in loving you.

5. Be Open: Sometimes you will need to use unconventional methods to encourage your spouse to be a godly husband. If there are things in your marriage that are not healthy, ask the Lord to show you ways to help keep the good things in and the bad things out. Be willing and open to do the hard things to stay together. A helpful book to consider is Boundaries in Marriage and consider getting good Christian counselling.

6. Be Submissive: Submission is not as bad as it sounds. We look to the Lord and do what is pleasing to Him. And as we do, our desire to do things that please our husband grows (Ephesians 5:22-24). This doesn't mean being less or burying our wants and needs. It just means living in peace and harmony and not doing things that would put a burden on family life without first coming to a consensus with our spouse. Communication is key in true submission. Not silence.

When I felt passionate about going on a mission trip to Ukraine, at first Billy didn't want me to go. It would be burdensome to be apart from me and be the sole caretaker of our child, but I gave him ample space and time to think and pray about it. He eventually came around and gave me his blessing. We need our husband's blessing to flourish in whatever our pursuit.

7. Be Alone With God: If we can't be alone with God, we can't grow. Our faith walk is not dependent on our spouse. We have to make the time every day cultivating our own relationship with the Lord, apart from our husband. In heaven, there is no marriage (Matthew 22:30). We will be close to our husband, but in a different way. Our most important relationship is with God.

8. Be Patient: Being in a "marriage rut" is no fun. But, we must remember we are on a journey of faith. This world is not our home, but there will be times of refreshing. Wait for those times and seek God's face. He will bless you in the waiting.

9. Be Creative: It is imperative that our spouse is not our sole means to purpose and fulfillment. All the Disney princess movies have a "happily ever after" when the prince marries his bride, but then what happens. What happens after Mr. Darcy wins over Lizzie in Pride and Prejudice? We need to seek ways to use our gifts to the glory of God in our family, but also in the world. To be a light and let it shine for Christ.

10. Be Loved: "We love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19)." When we know who we are in Christ are hearts are filled with love. And we can share that unconditional, grace-filled, agape love with our spouse. And, with the world. When they see our love for each other, they see Christ in you the hope of glory !

"Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,

Because His compassions fail not.

23 

They are new every morning;

Great is Your faithfulness."

Lamentations 3:22-23

Steps to Peace in Grief

Jesus paid it all,

All to Him I owe,

Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow. 

~Elvina M. Hall, 1865

***

I don’t know if I've always traveled the best way through grief, but the Lord taught me many things along the journey. I learned more about God, myself, and others, and we have choices to make in how we will react to all of life’s difficulties. The following steps are some choices I made on my own journey. And those choices lead to peace.

***

Steps to Peace in Grief:

1. Focus on the character of Christ in the gospels.  Seeking to know Him more fully will form us more into His likeness.

2. Look back and grieve—everything that has broken your heart, and ask Christ to reveal Himself to you in those times.
 
3. Turn to Christ and trust Him with your past, present, and eternity, for “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever (Hebrews 13:8).”

4. Believe that when you are at a disadvantage, you are blessed, because it's a chance to see God come through for you.

5. Be thankful that Christ Jesus has redeemed you—every part of you, past,  present, and future, it all matters to Him.  He is faithful to forgive you and cleanse you of all unrighteous thoughts, feelings, or deeds (1 John 1:9).
 
6. Rest on Christ, the Rock, whose promise of salvation is a free gift. You don't have to be "good enough" to be loved and accepted by God. The Lord Jesus gave His life to rescue us from darkness and bring us into His family.

7. Immerse yourself in worship and sing songs of both lament and praise, which can stir your heart to hope again.

8. Rejoice that because of Christ, our names are written in heaven (Luke 10:20).

9. Live for your Father's smile.

10. Persevere when you feel like giving up. God has a special place, purpose, and work for you to do in His Kingdom.
 
11. Remember you are precious in the sight of God.

12. Humble yourself in the sight of the Lord. The greatest in the Kingdom of heaven is like a little child.

13. Love others even in your pain.

14. Be confident that the things that overwhelm you are the very things you can trust in the Lord to give you His strength to overcome (2 Corinthians 12:9).

15. Trust in the Lord to protect you from evil. Suffering is a time when you are most vulnerable. (1 Peter 5:8,9)

16. Don't be afraid to ask for help. The Lord works through His people. You don't have to go through grief alone.

17. Longing, seeking, finding, longing…it’s like a cycle that will end when we see Jesus face-to-face. Until then, stay the course.

18. Jesus longs for me even more than I long for Him. He has known me before the creation of the world. He gave His life for me. He’s preparing a place for me, and He’s waiting for me with a love that is higher than the highest mountain, wider than the widest sky, deeper than the deepest ocean, and longer than the longest road.

19. In this world, we have a lot to grieve, mourn, and wail about, but we must long for the day when we can be in the safest place of all—safe in Jesus’ arms. 

20. When you look your greatest hurts straight in the face, turn your eyes upon Jesus.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,

Look full in His wonderful face.

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,

In the light of His glory and grace.

~Helen H. Lemmel, 1922